the vegetarian wrath of the vengeful sot

(Note: "vengeful sot" is borrowed from one of my favorite writers, Jim Knipfel, who used it delightfully to describe his ex-wife and himself).

I'm sulking and seething with anger lately, anger at our youngest daughter's preschool. It's a co-op preschool, which means that the parents work regular shifts and perform school administrative jobs and fundraising. The beauty of this is being more involved in your child's life and bonding with the other families. The downside is the sheer overload of work and annoyances. My older daughter's co-op preschool was seething with grown-up intrigues, both political and sexual. This newer preschool is pretty tame. As far as I can see, the only thing seething is me.

Why am I seething? The last straw was that last year's end of the school year party was a "Ribsfest" at which not only was the only thing on the menu dead animal ribs, but also we were requested to throw in some cash for said corpses. I pointed out that I am a vegetarian, raising my children as vegetarians, and that I found it offensive that the party was meat-themed and that my family would not even have anything to eat. I was advised to take my kids to a playground instead and just drop by later, as the party was dying down, after everyone had eaten to satiety. (Way to make me feel like my children and I are second-class citizens). We skipped that event, and I was reassured that in the future, there would be vegetarian alternatives.

Although that was the most extreme, my feelings had actually been building up over the course of the year. At our first school event, a welcome picnic, there really wasn't anything vegetarian to eat other than what I brought, which was going fast (because dammit, I am an excellent cook). There were huge hams rotting in the hot sun (much of which was thrown out later uneaten). Meat sandwiches. Meat salads. Then there was the communal camping trip with potluck, which, as one other parent remarked later, "You must not have had anything to eat." (Yes, I slaved to contribute a gourmet entree, grilled hobo packs of asparagus, goat cheese, and fresh herbs, which were gobbled up). The "ribsfest" was the last straw, and my vengeful sot nature was sorely tried by a deluge of come-on emails about how "we all love ribs" and "our families can't get enough ribs", "we're so lucky to be able to gather together for ribs", "who doesn't love ribs??" etc.., etc...

So then this year the sign-up went up for the latest welcoming picnic, and contrary to the assurances I received after the ridiculous "ribfest", there was no provision made to ensure there would be vegetarian entrees. None. Now mind you, I am not the only vegetarian at this school. There are other vegetarian families; one of three teachers is a committed vegetarian. I am merely the most angry and vocal vegetarian (and probably also the only sot of the group). So I complained. What I asked for was a school policy that there will always be vegetarian alternatives at all official events (incidentally, in the Ninth Circuit, where we live, it has been ruled that vegetarianism is a protected religious belief and that public institutions must honor that religious belief). The distinct impression I have been given in return is that people want to avoid me now and think that serving vegetarian food is "excluding others."

I recently got the same complaint from a group of girlfriends, and I read it on an etiquette board, also. Excuse the fuck out of me. How the hell am I "excluding" anyone if I am serving them a motherfucking multiple course gourmet meal?? Now if someone holds a "ribsfest", I and my children are excluded, because if we attend, we'll just stand there like idiots, with our stomachs growling in vain and my children whining that they are hungry, while everyone else has blood (oh, excuse me, "jus") dripping down their chins. If I slave over a hot stove and spend huge amounts of money on gourmet ingredients, no carnivore is "excluded" who is in attendance. Everyone leaves full and sated.

Besides, I didn't even ask that our preschool become a vegetarian school (although I noted that many co-ops in our city are vegetarian. Yes, maybe I should have enrolled my daughter at one of the vegetarian schools, but I would have thought that our core religious beliefs would be respected at any San Francisco preschool). I'm just asking that there be some stupid fucking vegetarian food served alongside all that meat, and there needs to be more than one thing, because one of the great unwritten laws of the world is that every meateater in the world claims they do not want vegetarian food, but if you set out a buffet, the vegetarian food always goes first so long as it is not labelled "vegetarian." No joke. I first observed this phenomenon when I worked in public radio and set out buffets for our phone volunteers during pledge drives, and it's been proven over and over again, a rule most vegetarians know all too well. If we go out to dinner with you communally and only one vegetarian entree is ordered, everyone is going to grab some of that one vegetarian entree and it will be the first one done, although no meateater thought of ordering from the vegetarian section of the menu.

I just don't get the lack of understanding on the other side. Now, I love wine with my meals, but I would not go to a recovering alcoholic's home or someone, say a Mormon or Muslim, whose religious beliefs forbade alcohol, and order them to serve me some hooch, because they are "excluding" me by serving a dry meal. I would just wait until I got home and then pour myself a stiff drink.

I am not interfering in how anyone else raises their kid or what they eat. I'm just saying that there needs to be in, in this day when ~27% of the population in our city is vegetarian, some accommodation for this core religous belief. The school would not schedule a mandatory meeting on Yom Kippur or Easter, and this is an analogous religious practice.

Anyhow, given a lack of assurances, we boycotted the welcoming picnic this year, and the victims in all of this are the vegetarian children. Mine are not the only ones.

And as for anyone who feels "excluded" by being fed gourmet vegetarian food: sweetheart, you don't know the meaning of the word "exclusion." I had two dinner parties this weekend, all featuring non-vegetarian guests, and they all managed to go away stuffed and not appearing visibly "excluded."

Menu A (for a guest who has food issues, which is okay by me, better to be honest about these things). Theme: Non-threatening comfort food.

Corn on the cob
Scalloped potatoes
Homemade polenta (yes, I know that makes two corn items, but I was operating under a theory that the guest would like polenta if she tried it, but I couldn't guarantee it)
Iceberg lettuce salad with homemade lemon dressing
Raspberry cream cheese cookies for dessert (which I forgot to serve, so the children and Anton ate them the next day)

Menu B (for guests who seem to like everything, but who have picky little kids) Theme: summertime produce, with a little Mediterranean flair, reasonably child-friendly.

Watercress dip and crackers
Prosecco

followed by
Rice and cucumber salad (a big hit)
Zucchini frittata with homemade mayonnaise (much better than it sounds)
Patatas a la brava

and storebought carrot cake for dessert.

Now, who is excluded: (a) vegetarians at a "ribsfest" or other meal where no dish is served that doesn't have meat in it and who are hungry, crabby, and feeling socially left out, , or (b) a guest at my home who has eaten anywhere between 2-10 different vegetarian dishes? (Yes, I have been known to bust out with a ten course meal).