"Survivor" premiere (live blogging off the cuff)

Do forgive us, but eight year-old Iris Uber Alles and I are die-hard "Survivor" fans. Some seasons are boring, but yet we still watch. Here we are, live blogging! With four year-old Lola!

Why are the contestants bringing PERSONAL LUGGAGE??? Iris says, "If it's not hard, I won't watch."

Why is one of the contestants wearing FISHNET TIGHTS and high boots!! Why on earth would anyone think FISHNET TIGHTS are useful to wear on "Survivor"?

One of the contestants is a "school lunch lady" with a mullet.

Courtney says, "I want to sit back with a lemonade. I don't want to be bowing" at the Buddhist welcome ceremony. Has she even watched Survivor? On Survivor Guatemala, they had to hike about 20 miles in the jungle after arrival.

Jeff Probst announces that the contestants must abandon their luggage. The idiot in the fishnet stockings whines that her heavy metal boots "weigh 20 lbs apiece." Courtney the lemonade-wanter whines that she's not wearing a bra. Instead, she's wearing a floor-length orange gown and a pashmina (she's vying to be the biggest idiot this season).

Jeff gives them Sun Tzu's "The Art of War." Once again, I am shamed I have not read this. When I was a litigator, I vowed to read it, but I lazily never got around to it. Recommend me an obscure Scandinavian novelist, and I WILL hunt down their works, but recommend to me a great book of strategy, and the decades drag on that I don't get around to it.

One of the contestants is a Christian talk show host. She says perkily when it starts raining before anyone has had the chance to build a shelter, "It looks like the big guy is providing!" That is exactly the sort of person who drives everyone away from church.

There is a professional poker player who feels he can read everyone and tell who is devious. His name is "Jean-Robert." I think this is particularly moronic that he is, on Day One, advertising his self-proclaimed excellence at intuiting truthfulness. This is truly the Season of the Idiots.

During the commercial, I force the children to go fetch their pajamas.

We see a panda! Iris gets excited.

Sherea is wearing heeled pumps and a pink, ruffled minidress. Another idiot for the ages! If you know you are going on reality TV, why would you bring anything other than comfortable clothing?

"Chicken" is a chicken farmer. I automatically hate him on animal rights grounds, and I'm sure everyone else hates him due to his drawl and condescension.

A monkey! We rejoice.

Ashley is "a WWW diva." She has two rings in her lip and pink and black streaks. "I know my fans are going to want me to win." The Chinese girl hates her. Peih-Gee says, "I can't connect to the wackiness. I feel like so serious."

In the distance, I hear kittens yowling (in our home, not on Survivor).

James is an inordinately muscular and handsome gravedigger. How did a man so gorgeous fall into such an occupation?

The lady wrestler runs off and horks on her first day. She has the chills.

Another monkey! Iris says, "Awww."

I love Todd the gay male Mormon flight attendant.

"Frosti" is a "student athlete." I love his name. He is a parkour enthusiast, which he thinks will make him a huge winner at challenges. I just want to know how he came by the name "Frosti."

The first challenge! The tribes will be tethered to giant dragons and make their way through an obstacle course. The immunity idol is statue of a handsome looking kneeling man.

Jeff announces off-handedly, "Oh another thing. You were given your running shoes for his challenge, you can take them back to camp with them." Damn you, Jeff Probst! I wanted to see that idiot limp in her heels!

Iris says, "Cool! It looks like dragons!" at an overhead shot.

James our hunky gravedigger is a great athlete! I'm glad his team wins. (Our new favorite looks a lot like the vegan spokesmodel lauded on this blog in the past).

I think Lola is asleep already.

The losing tribe has no shelter. Peih-Gee points out that the tribe won't win any challenges if they don't have a shelter. She's fed up with the lack of any work and starts driving everyone to build the shelter.

Ashley the professional wrestler feels Peih-Gee shouldn't be taking a leadership role. "Chicken" wants Ashley voted out instead. Ashley's immense silicon implants should win her some fans, though.

I feel for Peih-Gee. If I were in the middle of nowhere with a pack of idiots (and Peih-Gee is with the woman in the orange gown and pashmina AND the one who came out in heels), I'd be driving them to stop joking around and build a friggin' hut.

Tribal council! Dave the surf instructor is threatened by Peih-Gee's willingness to take the lead. He was voted the leader, but he hasn't actually led.

I feel this tribal council is awkwardly edited. Jeff keeps saying that they made a "first tribal decision", but I am not sure what that was.

Frosti is the first to vote. I wish Jeff would ask him about the provenance of his name.

Peih-Gee votes against Chicken the inarticulate chicken farmer. Why doesn't she vote against Ashley the malevolent pierced-lip wrestler?

Chicken shouts, "Damn!" in a very angry voice at being voted out.

Jeff throws a flint to the losing tribe nonchalantly. God, this is a cushy season of Survivor. They are given running shoes and a fire-making flint for doing nothing??? Where is the picturesque suffering which added so much viewing pleasure in the past??

Summary: "So, Hassepfeffer, what do you think so far?"

"Of what?"

"Survivor!

"Meh. I say Meh!"

After some consideration, Iris added, "I liked the pandas and monkeys."